Chris Moyles does NOT give in! PAUL CONNOLLY’s verdict on ex Radio 1 DJ’s latest TV offering… and undoubtedly the worst yet

I’ll say this for Chris Moyles – the lad is a trier. Because, despite a veritable blizzard of evidence to the contrary, he clearly still thinks he has a chance of replicating on television the success he enjoyed on BBC Radio One.
How else would you explain Sky Living’s The Love Machine, his first major project since leaving the Radio One breakfast show in September? This is his fourth attempt (on four different channels) at fronting a TV show and, it is, by some distance, the worst.
When the list of shows competing for that honour include The Chris Moyles Show (1998-9), Live With Chris Moyle (2002) and Chris Moyles’s Quiz Night (2009-11), you know it has to be pretty bad. Even ditching his name from the title hasn’t helped. 
Although one can’t help thinking that Sky might have considered the possible ramifications of having a show called Chris Moyles’s Love Machine in the schedules and the consequent claims for compensation from traumatised Radio Times readers.
Moyles isn’t even allowed to present solo anymore. No, on The Love Machine he’s chaperoned by the loveable Stacey Solomon. Just imagine the humiliation. A man famed for his radio voice co-hosting a show with a woman who sounds like a goose being chased by a dog.
Maybe, just maybe, he saw merit in the show’s format, something he could work with. But The Love Machine is dire.
It takes all the good bits of Blind Date and Take Me Out, chucks them away, and plays with the remaining scraps. There’s no drama, no conflict, no fun. And Moyles and Solomon may as well be on different shows – I’ve seen more chemistry in a glass of water.

Presenters: The Love Machine co-hosts Chris Moyles and former X Factor contestant Stacey Solomon

Last night’s Christmas Special (the audience were wearing reindeer horns, the prospective dates Christmassy jumpers – it was probably filmed in August) could not have begun less auspiciously. Moyle and Solomon lumbered onto the stage in their respective Christmas outfits, Moyles dressed as a Christmas cracker, Solomon as a Christmas pudding.
You could almost see the Sky executives chuckling into their fists. ‘They’ll all be expecting to see Chris as a Christmas pudding! But we messed with their heads!’ Then they all high-fived and went off to find another TV format they could eviscerate.

Fame: Stacey Solomon was dressed as a Christmas pudding during last night's Christmas special

Seeing Moyles as a cracker and Stacey as a pudding was pretty bad. But when they brought on their first contestant I immediately cheered up. It was obviously a celebrity special Love Machine!

And the talent bookers had only gone and nabbed the goalkeeper from the Premier League champions, Joe Hart from Manchester City. Except that he was wearing a wig and a dress and was calling himself Hannah. That Joe, I thought, what a card. What a sense of fun.
It all seemed to fit. Chris asked Joe what his perfect date was. ‘To go the cinema – you don’t have to talk then,’ Joe replied.
‘Are you a man?’ Chris asked, as I shouted at the screen, ‘Yes, Chris, I know it’s a long time since Leeds United were in the Premier League but that’s Joe Hart…’
Except Joe’s name really was Hannah. I’d been bamboozled by her remarkable likeness to England’s finest goalkeeper for a generation (sorry, Hannah, I really am, but even my wife reckons that Joe Hart is ‘very pretty for a boy’ so it’s a forgivable error. Personally, I think Hart looks like Beaker from The Muppets, but that’s another conversation).
But then Hannah chose this bloke Edd (why bother adding an extra letter to your nickname…?), a boxer who had a head the same shape as a fifty pence piece.
After they’d reached their date destination, Hannah was saying, ‘Here we are in Iceland.”
I’m not ashamed: that had me thinking of Kerry Katona, not Bjork. And, given the utter lack of snow and the terrible standard of canapés at the destination, I was probably right.
More nonsense was next. They made a huge thing about a special guest being the next contestant. The ‘amazing’ guest was revealed. Here he comes……… Stacy Solomon’s brother.

Another crack: The Love Machine is Moyles's fourth attempt at fronting a TV programme

Really? It’s your Christmas Special and Stacey Solomon’s brother is your special guest? Oh dear.
I must admit, the last 20 minutes of the show were so boring I nearly drifted off. The only time I perked was when Stacey Solomon’s brother, Matt, picked up some hair straighteners to use on his short back and sides before his date with some blonde floozy from Yorkshire. Excuse me, but hair straighteners for men – when did that happen?
The last moments of the show must’ve been awful for Moyles. As he waddled about in his cracker costume trying to look jolly, Solomon honked out an awful version of Winter Wonderland. It was so pathetic it could’ve been an episode from Alan Partridge’s life.
For his next televisual project perhaps Moyles should take inspiration from Partridge – Chris Moyles’s Monkey Tennis, anyone? It really couldn’t be any worse than this.